Whoa

A good friend of mine told that it has been too long since I blogged and that I ought to get something new up here. Given that it's 12:15 and I'm still wide awake I figure I may as well start writing and see what shows up. 

I just finished a 10 page paper about Job and a Powerpoint presentation for Geography. All that stands between me and and graduation is a 12 page paper for Geography (Based on my Powerpoint), a take home final for Job (I hope), a take home final for Origen, a Geography test, a short summary for Dennis Lindsay, a short paper for Beth Aydelott (maybe) and three days. 

I'm practically there and yet it feels unreal, surreal even. I mean, it doesn't seem like all that long ago I was trying to choose which college to go to. Before that I remember vividly looking forward to finally getting into high school. And now I am graduating from college. Four years ago I walked onto NCC's campus and began setting up my Dorm and 10 days from now I'm going to walk across the stage and no longer be a student at NCC. For that matter, NCC won't even exist anymore. 

(I want to point out that writing that last paragraph has made me kind of teary eyed)

In 11 days my peers and I will no longer be classmates but alumni-mates. (That may be a little bit of a stretch, but deal with it) I think that I can honestly look back at the last four years and say that they have been good. There have been times when I wondered what in the world I'd gotten myself into here at NCC, but you know, in the end it was those times that made it worth it. 

It was the times when I was forced to stand firm for what I believe in the face of a large group of my peers who disagreed with me. 

It was the times when the administration shot down some plan of mine and I had to learn to let things go. 

It was the times when my friends drove me nuts and I wanted nothing to do with them.  

It was the times that I was able to look back at who I was and who I was becoming.

It was these times that have made NCC so worthwhile and transformative for me.

But where to now?

My future is misty at best and completely unplanned otherwise. I pick up and leave for a country on the other side of the world in 10 days. When I get back I have a place to live but necessarily a way to pay for it. I have a job, but not necessarily a way to get there. I have plans for seminary, but technically could still be not admitted. 

What do I do if I get back and have no way to pay for my housing, can't get to my job and get a denial letter from PSR? Do I somehow try to find a place to live and ride my back the miles to work, but then at the end of the summer have the job end and do nothing? Do I cut my losses and move back in with my parents? What if I can pay for June rent but then can't find anyone to live in the other bedroom come July? Do I shell out $700 on my own? What if the person who moves in is a creeper? 

It is both terrifying and exhilarating to be where I am. I look forward to where I'm going but desperately hang on to where I've been. 

Do I hang back? 

Or do I risk it all?