Dying...

My Uncle Harry is dying. (Strictly speaking he's my dad's uncle, but he's been like an uncle/ grandparent to me) He's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I have vague memories of when I was 3 or 4 and I ran around my aunt and uncle's house and avoided the heater vents because I thought I'd fall in.

I remember calling him my Luncle. I remember him encouraging me when I decided which college to go to. I remember him praising me when I graduated with honors from high school.

I remember his dry, sometimes questionably appropriate sense of humor. I remember his being vehemently against my dad's brother's homosexuality, but loving him anyways. I remember him dubbing my little sister, gurt. I remember him rooting for the Grinch all the way until he gave in and grew a heart. Rooting for Scrooge up until he caved too.

It's weird, I've taken classes on grief and loss. I know the various stages of grief, I even know that it's supposed to be easier when you know ahead of time. It doesn't make any difference to know these things.

My Uncle Harry has been fighting cancer for a couple years now, but his chemo keeps not working. His heart is weak (in the physical sense, not the metaphorical one) and he can't handle more rigorous experimental treatments. The doctors are giving him between 24 hours and a week. 

I've never had any of my close relatives die, I've never even had anyone that I knew particularly well die. And now my Uncle, who has been such a part of my life since we moved back to the West Coast, is dying. 

I've been to funerals before, but now I'll be going to one of someone that I really know.

My family has all driven up to be with my Aunt Janet. Given that my Uncle isn't awake, and that the window is so big, and that I have so much going on I don't think I can make it up there until the funeral. 

It feels weird to plan on attending the funeral of someone who is still alive. 

While what happens after we die isn't something that I put a whole lot of worry into, he is a good Catholic which I know brings him and my aunt comfort. 

I keep going back and forth between getting teary-eyed and not teary-eyed. It doesn't feel real to me, I don't know if it's sunk in yet. 

...

I just cried like I haven't in years.