Disconnect

First, I apologize if this blog is unfair. However, I have told a good friend on multiple occasions that their blog should be their honest feelings on a given subject at a given time, and it is only right that my blog should follow the same guidelines.

I feel disconnected today, even ignored. 

This morning in Geography as I gave my presentation I was only half listened to. 

At an honors chapel today I received zero recognition, which is entirely appropriate since my GPA is not 3.5 or higher, and there are exemplary leaders who deserve recognition. I still noticed it though. 

In my world literature class my presentation was cut off party way through because of how little attention people were paying to it. 

In my staff meeting at my church people welcomed me to the meeting party way through, as if I hadn't been there from the beginning. (Which I had.)

Text messages to multiple people went unanswered.

At the late night breakfast I felt sloughed off to the side, an afterthought.

I do not know, maybe today is just not a good day. Maybe I am somehow particularly ignorable today. There is a very good chance that I am simply stressed out, tired and overly sensitive. And despite knowing that, I still feel alone. I am a fairly confident person generally, there are not a lot of ways that things make me feel small. Being left out is perhaps my Achilles Heel, even if unintentional I feel unwanted and it hurts.

Like I said, no doubt this blog is not fair and there are perfectly rational explanations for all the things that happened today, but right now, at this moment, when I am tired and probably grumpy, it hurts.

Whoa

A good friend of mine told that it has been too long since I blogged and that I ought to get something new up here. Given that it's 12:15 and I'm still wide awake I figure I may as well start writing and see what shows up. 

I just finished a 10 page paper about Job and a Powerpoint presentation for Geography. All that stands between me and and graduation is a 12 page paper for Geography (Based on my Powerpoint), a take home final for Job (I hope), a take home final for Origen, a Geography test, a short summary for Dennis Lindsay, a short paper for Beth Aydelott (maybe) and three days. 

I'm practically there and yet it feels unreal, surreal even. I mean, it doesn't seem like all that long ago I was trying to choose which college to go to. Before that I remember vividly looking forward to finally getting into high school. And now I am graduating from college. Four years ago I walked onto NCC's campus and began setting up my Dorm and 10 days from now I'm going to walk across the stage and no longer be a student at NCC. For that matter, NCC won't even exist anymore. 

(I want to point out that writing that last paragraph has made me kind of teary eyed)

In 11 days my peers and I will no longer be classmates but alumni-mates. (That may be a little bit of a stretch, but deal with it) I think that I can honestly look back at the last four years and say that they have been good. There have been times when I wondered what in the world I'd gotten myself into here at NCC, but you know, in the end it was those times that made it worth it. 

It was the times when I was forced to stand firm for what I believe in the face of a large group of my peers who disagreed with me. 

It was the times when the administration shot down some plan of mine and I had to learn to let things go. 

It was the times when my friends drove me nuts and I wanted nothing to do with them.  

It was the times that I was able to look back at who I was and who I was becoming.

It was these times that have made NCC so worthwhile and transformative for me.

But where to now?

My future is misty at best and completely unplanned otherwise. I pick up and leave for a country on the other side of the world in 10 days. When I get back I have a place to live but necessarily a way to pay for it. I have a job, but not necessarily a way to get there. I have plans for seminary, but technically could still be not admitted. 

What do I do if I get back and have no way to pay for my housing, can't get to my job and get a denial letter from PSR? Do I somehow try to find a place to live and ride my back the miles to work, but then at the end of the summer have the job end and do nothing? Do I cut my losses and move back in with my parents? What if I can pay for June rent but then can't find anyone to live in the other bedroom come July? Do I shell out $700 on my own? What if the person who moves in is a creeper? 

It is both terrifying and exhilarating to be where I am. I look forward to where I'm going but desperately hang on to where I've been. 

Do I hang back? 

Or do I risk it all?

A song

Every summer at church camp we sing this song. It has meant a lot to me over the years and I thought I might post it.

How could anyone ever tell you
You were anything less than beautiful
How could anyone ever tell you
You were less than whole
How could anyone fail to notice
That your loving is a miracle
How deeply you're connected to my soul.

Stress

During staff meeting at the church where I work the topic of stress came up, specifically those "stress tests" that give you "stress points" for various events in your life over the last year or two. As soon as I got home I jumped online and took one, as I was curious. In the past I've had fairly low stress levels, normally within the low area. The first one said that I was in serious danger of illness due to my stress. 

I wasn't sure what to make of it, so I took another one. 90% chance of illness due to stress. 

Oh my, a third one with similar results. 

Granted, all of them say that people deal with stress in different ways, and that they don't actually diagnose anything. Even so, it was startling to have laid out for me:

Change in financial state (38 points) As we approach the end of the school year my funds are having to stretch further and further, particularly as my summer housing is in the air.

Change in church Activities (19) I've been constantly in and out of church as various activities and events have happened.

Death of a close family member (63) My uncle

Revision of personal habits (24) For this I counted becoming an increasingly social person?

Change in work hours or conditions (20) Doing ASNCC and my internship increased my weekly workload dramatically

Trouble with boss (23) My boss at the church and I have been in a war of responsibility, in which we constantly are placing responsibility for this or that on each other. And shifting it as much as possible.

Vacation (12) Christmas (13) They happened

Begin or end school (26) Graduating

Change in schools (20) Seminary

Personal Injury or Illness (44) Strictly speaking I wasn't sick, but my doctor thought I might have Lupus. Which caused me no end of stress back in October.

Change in Health of a Family member (39) My mom was diagnosed with diabetes.

Total: 341. 

At 150 you start to get into health affecting levels of stress.

I don't think that this is affecting my physical health, yet; I do know that I'm beginning to feel the pressure of it though. I know how much this stress feels like, and I look at some of my friends, one friend in particular, who are going through more than I can even begin to wrap my mind around and I wonder how in the world they can cope. It's fine to talk about relying on God, and his peace. But it's entirely another thing to actually do it when life is falling apart around you. I do not know how that all will work out, I shall have to ponder it more.

Decisions

I was approached yesterday and offered an internship for this summer. (I didn't apply for or otherwise seek it out. Apparently a number of people recommended me.) It would start shortly after my return from Cambodia, and end just before I start at seminary. I would be work at the Yakama Christian Mission at the Yakama Indian Reservation, both with children and with various mission groups that come to work at the reservation.

It would seem to be one of the most incredible opportunities. I think it's something like $2,500 for the summer and also includes room and board. I'd be able to work on something within or closely related to what has become my passion, and get paid for it. I'd be working with some of the most justice-minded people that I've ever met in my life, and also make some valuable contacts for the future.

At the same time, it couldn't have come at a worse time at least in a sense. This summer has the potential to be one of the most amazing summer of my life thus far, here in Eugene. I would be surrounded by incredible friends who are all motivated to hang out. We have plans for picnics, camping, baseball games, barbecues, parties, floating rivers and more than I can even begin to list. This is quite possibly my last full summer to spend with many of these people, I'll be moving to California this fall and next summer many of them will be moving on in their lives. 

What in the world am I supposed to do? How can I possibly choose between and internship opportunity, and what could be my last opportunity to spend an extended amount of time with these friends that have so impacted my life? I think about which seems to fit my potential vocation better, and while the social justice of the mission fits very well, so does the ever important development of an incredible support network of my best friends. It's not to say that my friends won't be my friends no matter what I choose, it's to say that the bonding that can happen this summer could help make some of the strongest friendships of my life become even stronger.

I wish that I could somehow choose both, but I don't think that's possible. How in the world can I even begin to contemplate making this decision?

Meh

My head hurts, I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired, I feel disconnected and I have to wake up in the morning. 

I feel like I'm in one of those commercials where the whole world is zooming by and I'm standing there staring at the camera.

Commitments that were made have fallen away and added stress to me.

I have obligations that I know I need to meet, but have no idea how I can possibly meet them.

Right now is meh, tomorrow may be meh, beyond that maybe it will get sunny?

Brutality

Why is that we are all so brutal to each other? In a small group I attend we've been talking about how we tend to enjoy being right more than loving. While this is certainly not universally true in every situation, it seems to be true far too much of the time. I know that I've been guilty of being right at the cost of being loving. 

For some reason when we feel maligned or our friends are maligned, we immediately feel the need to lash out at the person (or persons) wronging us. Oftentimes this is a brutal attack on the very core of a person's being, a decidedly non-loving course of action. How can we respond constructively in the face of extreme adversity? We could get angry, I know I have and I've no doubt I will again. We could withdraw into ourselves, while we aren't being violent to other people, we are depriving the people who love of us of our presence and love. 

I think that the answer, as unsatisfying and painful as it is, is to love those who denigrate us. This means that we are going to get hurt, it is likely that the people we are trying so desperately to love are going to cause us more pain. This means that we aren't going to get the satisfaction we so often get by returning the hurt. This means that we are going to need to turn somewhere else, to God to find peace. This means that we are going to are going to respond in the loving way that we have been called to. We aren't going to be perfect, ever. We are going to get angry. We are going to act in unloving ways, because no matter how hard we try we can't love universally. But we try, we lean on God to help us love as God loves, and when it works it is a beautiful thing.

Big picture

During our Missions meeting today we talked about theodicy. In all fairness it makes sense to talk about, particularly when we rich Americans are headed to a suffering and poor country like Cambodia, or Israel.

One of the leaders put me on the spot and asked my opinion about the idea of evil existing in a world with a good God. I gave two answers, one about free will (which is the one I hold to, mostly) the other was about God's inability to act. (Kind of) I gave the second answer (which actually went first) mostly because I didn't appreciate being put on the spot and wanted to list off something that would make PS uncomfortable. 

There were a couple ideas that I had while people were sharing that I thought would make excellent blog conversations, so I text messaged them back to myself so as to avoid forgetting them. Sure enough I completely spaced them until I checked my e-mail and saw them.

The first idea was how we as humans can't see the Big Picture (which I agree with, there's no way any single person can see how everything affects everything else in the world) but that God can and therefore what God does God does to fit everything into the Big Picture. While that sounds great at first glance, and is even comforting to those of us here in the United States, imagine how it would feel to a person who is suffering horribly. Imagine what it would be like to be told that your children are being prostituted and you are dying of starvation because "it all fits into God's Big Picture." Imagine that that same person is being told that by a relatively rich, healthy, white American. The idea that somehow the Big Picture supersedes the immediate, basic needs of the individual is ludicrous, at least in my opinion. No 12 year-old child should be forced to sell their virginity for $150. No parent should be forced to see their children starve when they are too weak to care for them. (This isn't to say that God can't do what God does, and somehow bring Good out of the most evil of situations, it is to say that this level of suffering cannot be a part of the plan of a Good God.) All of this is most certainly food for thought as we begin to draw close to our trip to Cambodia.

The word for today is love. I realize that it was the word yesterday, but I feel like love can never be stressed too much.

Ramblings...

I almost didn't blog tonight, but every time I went away from the page I felt drawn back to it.

I've been thinking a fair bit about seminary, and right now I'm a little terrified. Partly because I only in the past few days completed my application process (thanks in part to a rather slow professor) but also because I've managed to procrastinate my way into having all my eggs in one basket. Strictly speaking it's not too late to apply to schools, so I have options, but as of right now my only truly completed application is to PSR.

Also, my friends here are incredible. And going to a new place means new friends, which means meeting and getting to know new people. While on the one hand that might not seem so scary, on the other hand I am actually a bit shy around people I don't know. (At least I used to be, it's been a while since I've been in a situation like that.) It means letting go of everything that has made me comfortable and setting forth into a new chapter (to quote a good friend of mine) of my life. 

Also this talk of agape has gotten me thinking. We talked about it in small group, then a couple friends recommended that I read The Shack. An incredibly powerful, amazing book that in many ways epitomizes our conversation of unconditional universal love. As I read it, memories of the man who tried to hit on and pick up my then 10 year old sister rose in my mind. The blind fury I felt when he (the 50 year old man) began blatantly flirting with my sister and her friend. In the end nothing came of it, I went to the intercom with the driver of the train and had him announce that it wasn't okay to pester other passengers, particularly young women. 

I was prepared to act if even began to reach toward my sister, I pictured myself smacking him in the head with my umbrella actually.

All of this is to say that I am called to love that man, who makes me sick to my stomach. In fact, we are all called to love even the people responsible for genocide. We are called to love even our federal administration. (Whom I generally despise) We are called to love the men who exploit and sexually abuse children in Cambodia and around the world. As I was reading The Shack it seemed to all make sense, and yet now I find myself wondering how it will ever work out that I can even begin to love unconditionally even the people who I find it easy to love. 

Something that I don't have a particularly hard time swallowing though, is that God (or Papa) especially loves each of us. Which He does. Or She. Or Whatever. 

My word for today is Love.

Changes

I was at a birthday dinner with a bunch of earlier this evening and something became very clear. I've changed. I am in no way the same person I was even last semester, really, although I am. Many of my less than good habits have fallen to the wayside, I'm far more sensitive and social than I was. I hear stories of who I was then, I even tell stories of who I was then, and I can't imagine doing them now.

And yet, I feel like most/all of the changes have been for the better. I'm actually a much better person now than I was then, and I really don't think I was really a bad person then either. It's crazy to think how much we/God/our friends can influence us for the better. (or in some cases for the worse.)

I'm excited and terrified of where God is taking me next, I finally got the ball rolling again for my seminary app. I go to Cambodia in a few weeks. And I'm finding myself virtually redesigning the rest of my life. For almost four years I knew that I was going to be a senior pastor at some church and hopefully dally in social justice. Now I'm finding myself thinking about focusing entirely on social justice, and do ministry either outside the church entirely or in a more para-church setting. 

Also, my word of the Day is Agapē.

Roller Coaster

I feel like lately my life has been an emotional roller coaster of highs and lows. I'm surrounded by some of the most amazing people ever, and I've had more fun this semester I think than I've had in a long time. At the same time The past few days have been sprinkled with some of the deepest lows I've experienced in a long time too.

I've found though that in my times of need, that I have wonderful, incredible friends (two friends in particular have been especially helpful for me) that have kept me afloat when I needed support and given me space when I needed space.

The service for my uncle has been set for Tuesday, and I think that I'll have to drive up to Portland on Monday. There's a Wake at point between now and then, and I'm afraid that I actually don't know what that entails, of even if I should be present for it.

I was glancing at my last few blogs and realized that they seem to be fairly me centered, which is a little different. I think that it's not a bad thing though.

On a happier note, my Cambodia fund seems to be coming along slowly but surely. I'm a little nervous because most of my primary givers have given and I'm still down $800. But there are more yet, and God has a way of pulling through. It will be good. I've no doubt of that.

Hope

During worship this morning my Dad brought up the point that he hasn't always had the opportunity to say goodbye to loved ones and that the chance he had to go up to Washington and tell Uncle Harry goodbye (his uncle, my Great Uncle) and that he loved him really is a gift. Viewed in this light the opportunity I had to say goodbye was a real gift, and one that I may not always get. That brings me hope and makes me ponder something.

It seems fairly cliche, and it is, however that bit about how we don't know what's coming around the corner. It reminds me of the importance of treating each moment as though we weren't sure there was going to be another one, and perhaps even not waiting so long for decisions given that view. I don't know if it will actually change anything for me, at least right now, but I will certainly have to keep wrestling with that idea.

Goodbyes

I just said goodbye to my Uncle Harry for what is in all likelihood the last time and it hurts.

Seeing

I wasn't sure what to expect when I walked into the room where my Uncle Harry was lying in bed. I had no idea how I would react, and even less idea what effect it would have on me afterwards. I was shocked by how thin he is, he doesn't eat anymore and thus is slowly wasting away. At first I was a little apprehensive, I mean, this is my Uncle lying there. 

Something my Aunt said is an idea I've heard before (that while she might have preferred that they both get taken in some kind of car accident, but that it's in the no knowing that makes life valuable. Something like that anyways.) but I've never really been able to really understand. Without death, life (as we know it) would be nothing. And that in our deaths (and new lives) that our life here on earth gains meaning. 

The atmosphere here is different than I might have expected. Most everyone is laughing and talking and eating. Periodically my aunt gets a little teared up, but mostly people are in good spirits. I imagine that in large part it is because my uncle has lived such a full and good life? Maybe this is the way everyone behaves at this sort of gathering? 

There's a baby monitor sitting on the countertop listening in to my uncle's breathing. It makes sense I suppose, though it seems weird. I don't know, this whole experience is kind of out there.

Where my school knowledge hits the pavement

A couple years ago I took a class entirely on the subject of Grief and Loss. During my internship I observed the funeral preparation process of a member of the congregation. I've read books on how people react to grief. I know the signs to look for, and how to listen and be present without stepping on toes. 

And yet today I thought I was somehow managing to avoid all those things, I thought somehow my head knowledge made me immune to all that.

I realized this evening during night chapel (which every time I go I tell myself I should go more, and yet I rarely do) that today I've been avoiding thinking about my uncle. Normally I'm pretty okay with just being, and not worrying about doing things. Today though, I felt agitated whenever I was sitting around by myself. I constantly felt the need to be doing something, even to the point of just not being in my apartment. 

But even having recognized that, I found my mind constantly moving to other subjects as I tried to think about it. My mind would begin to wrap itself around the idea of a world without my Uncle, my eyes would start to tear up and then I would instantly find myself thinking about something else. 

I had another thought that I wanted to put down here, but I can't for the life of me remember what is was.

Dying...

My Uncle Harry is dying. (Strictly speaking he's my dad's uncle, but he's been like an uncle/ grandparent to me) He's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I have vague memories of when I was 3 or 4 and I ran around my aunt and uncle's house and avoided the heater vents because I thought I'd fall in.

I remember calling him my Luncle. I remember him encouraging me when I decided which college to go to. I remember him praising me when I graduated with honors from high school.

I remember his dry, sometimes questionably appropriate sense of humor. I remember his being vehemently against my dad's brother's homosexuality, but loving him anyways. I remember him dubbing my little sister, gurt. I remember him rooting for the Grinch all the way until he gave in and grew a heart. Rooting for Scrooge up until he caved too.

It's weird, I've taken classes on grief and loss. I know the various stages of grief, I even know that it's supposed to be easier when you know ahead of time. It doesn't make any difference to know these things.

My Uncle Harry has been fighting cancer for a couple years now, but his chemo keeps not working. His heart is weak (in the physical sense, not the metaphorical one) and he can't handle more rigorous experimental treatments. The doctors are giving him between 24 hours and a week. 

I've never had any of my close relatives die, I've never even had anyone that I knew particularly well die. And now my Uncle, who has been such a part of my life since we moved back to the West Coast, is dying. 

I've been to funerals before, but now I'll be going to one of someone that I really know.

My family has all driven up to be with my Aunt Janet. Given that my Uncle isn't awake, and that the window is so big, and that I have so much going on I don't think I can make it up there until the funeral. 

It feels weird to plan on attending the funeral of someone who is still alive. 

While what happens after we die isn't something that I put a whole lot of worry into, he is a good Catholic which I know brings him and my aunt comfort. 

I keep going back and forth between getting teary-eyed and not teary-eyed. It doesn't feel real to me, I don't know if it's sunk in yet. 

...

I just cried like I haven't in years. 

Caffeine

So, it used to be that I could drink caffeine at any time of day and avoid any real effect whatsoever. Apparently that is no longer the case, as I had a 12 ounce white mocha a bit more than an hour ago and its keeping me awake. Being awake though, means that I can stay up and read a friend's blog that I imagine is going to be powerful and also write my own.

I've begun today to get a feeling in the pit of my stomach, I think of it almost as a pre-stress. I learned years ago not to let myself get overly worked up about what is coming up in the future. (My sophomore year of high school I made myself sick with stress, because of that I've learned not to worry too much.) And yet, periodically I get the little tingling inside that means that I know I've got a lot of ducks coming up and they aren't quite in a row yet.

I think I've gotten all the pieces of my seminary apps taken care of, I have a little more stuff to do for my ordination requirements. 

I think I've managed to work out my summer housing so that I won't go broke. 

I think I've my last event as VP of Activities taken care of.

I know that I'm not ready to say goodbye to all the amazing people here at school.

I know that I'm terrified and overjoyed at the thought of a new chapter in my life.

I wonder if I'll have the motivation and energy to write a Baccalaureate speech.

I believe that everything will work out.

And yet, I worry about how everything will turn out. There's something about stepping off into the unknown, particularly on this scale, that makes it hard for me to just what happens happen. I feel like I'm floating down a river that is perpetually curving, always hiding what is in front of me. I trust that all that is around the bend is more gentle curves and smooth water. I figure that there are probably some spots of white water, but I can't seem to shake the fear that there might be something more. Something else, something unexpected.