A couple years ago I took a class entirely on the subject of Grief and Loss. During my internship I observed the funeral preparation process of a member of the congregation. I've read books on how people react to grief. I know the signs to look for, and how to listen and be present without stepping on toes.
And yet today I thought I was somehow managing to avoid all those things, I thought somehow my head knowledge made me immune to all that.
I realized this evening during night chapel (which every time I go I tell myself I should go more, and yet I rarely do) that today I've been avoiding thinking about my uncle. Normally I'm pretty okay with just being, and not worrying about doing things. Today though, I felt agitated whenever I was sitting around by myself. I constantly felt the need to be doing something, even to the point of just not being in my apartment.
But even having recognized that, I found my mind constantly moving to other subjects as I tried to think about it. My mind would begin to wrap itself around the idea of a world without my Uncle, my eyes would start to tear up and then I would instantly find myself thinking about something else.
I had another thought that I wanted to put down here, but I can't for the life of me remember what is was.
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