Choices

I am faced with a choice that could easily affect vast portions of my life in the near and far future. This is not a choice that I sought, or one that I am particularly looking forward to making.

It is perhaps easiest to start at the beginning and work my way to the present as it will make the the "why" of the decision more clear.

In February I applied to attend the Pacific School of Religion this fall, to begin work on my Master of Divinity degree. I applied well before the priority deadline, both for acceptance and for financial aid. Part of the application is a number of recommendation letters from current professors. I handed out all of the forms to various professors, sent off my transcript and began the waiting process. A number of my professors informed me that they had sent the letters and were eager to hear whether or not I had been accepted. Unfortunately I didn't know, I kept not hearing back from the school. Finally I called the admissions office to find out what was going on, and found that a particular professor had yet to fill out his recommendation and that it was keeping my file from being processed. I immediately confronted the professor to find out what was going on, to which I got a sheepish "I should get around to that, and other students' as well."

Fortunately I was able to find another professor to write the recommendation and fax it in that same day, so as to begin the process.

In the end I received word of my acceptance immediately before graduation, and just a couple days before my mission trip to Cambodia.

When I got back from Cambodia I had finally received my financial aid letter, which I promptly opened and began to take in. If I were to accept the full amount of aid listed it would more than double my current loan load, taking it from a reasonable and doable amount for clergy/ non-profit worker and putting it squarely in the realm of terrifying.

I spent the next two nights sleepless and stressed out, how could I possibly rationalize and reason my way to accepting these loans. Granted, I could reduce them a bit with a scholarship from the Disciples Seminary Foundation but only to simply doubling my current loan load. At one point the stress of it was such that I began tearing up simply because it was too overwhelming to deal with.

One of the struggles I had was that getting my acceptance late meant that I couldn't apply for outside scholarships. (Everything requires having actually been accepted.)

I began to ponder something that a friend of mine had talked about, someone who was in a very similar situation due to the same professor. He talked about deferring attendance to seminary one academic year (which is permissible) in order to reapply for financial aid before the priority deadline, as well as apply for various outside funding sources.

My first response when I thought of that was that there was no possible way for me to do that, going to seminary is what I've planned on and felt called to do for a couple years, why would I possibly change or delay that now?

I began to ponder it though, realizing that attending school with the loan load could easily lead to financial ruin down the road. Taking a year to recuperate from my experience at NCC might do me good. It would certainly give me the opportunity to explore areas within my field of interest, particularly outside the church, an area I've not explored extensively in the realm of human rights. I could save money and better prepare myself for PSR. I would be able to reapply for financial aid as well as apply for outside scholarships. It would give me a break from academia, which no matter what I tell myself I am beginning to be burnt out on.

It would mean changing my plans, everyone I've talked to knows what I am planning on doing this fall and where. I don't change plans of this magnitude often, if ever. To me it would feel like I was letting everyone, myself included, down in some way.

But on the other hand it is the financially responsible course of action, it will allow me to further narrow my field of interest. I could explore new areas of ministry, in the traditional church setting or otherwise. I could experience relatively true "independence," without the crutch that a small college can be.

I do not know what I am going to do, this is a huge decision that will be down the road a bit. There is not a huge hurry to make any choices right now, but I will have to make the choice, certainly within the coming few weeks.


I do not know what to do.