Biking

So I asked a good friend of mine if she would like to go on a bike ride today, I do this thinking that I will just pump up my tires and go. It turns out that my tire has a hole in the inner tube, so I fight with it to get the wheel off and ready to change the inner tube. This is kind of an older bike that has a disc brake instead of the standard calipers. I finally get it all ready and run it over to the bike shop where I am informed that my tire has a giant tear in it and that there is no point in a new inner tube without a new tire. 

I get the new tire, costing $21 instead of the $8 I expected. I take it home and begin to reattach it and find that part of the bolt that adjusts the brakes in the back is stripped. So I grab my friend and head over to Wal-Mart (blech) and get a washer so I can tighten the bolt without getting to the stripped part. Finally I get home and get everything back together only to find that the brake cable came off up on the handle end which takes me a while to fix. After all this the bolt that gave me the trouble in the first places completely strips and makes the back brakes unusable. 

At this point I decide that its not worth it and that I will work on it another day. I take a friends bike and discover part way along the ride that one of the front gears is unusable, the biggest one, and that the handlebars are dangerously loose in the front to back direction. 

None of this put me in a bad mood remarkably, in fact I had an amazing time. We get to campus hang out with a third person, bake cookies. (I even wore a "man-pron." It's like an apron but for a man) After it gets kind of dark (read: pitch black in the woods) we make our way home. The handlebars at this point are so loose that it takes all of my forearm strength to keep them upright. My legs are dying and I ran into a boulder. 

Overall though, it was an amazing time. Wonderful fellowship, good exercise and perfect weather. It was an incredible day.

A new leaf

I've turned over a new leaf. Well, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf anyways. I had long conversation with a good friend of mine in the upstairs of the MEC and in the end was convinced that it would be worth my while to do away with my cynical, negative side and instead work on bringing out my fun, happy side. 

On the one hand I know that by putting the effort into being a generally more outgoing and "uppy" person that I can more easily acquaintance myself with new people. Inevitably this will pay off at whatever new job I end up getting, it will allow me to make new friends and grow in new areas. It won't be easy though, it means putting effort into my encounters and working at drawing people into a new realm of interaction. It means moving outside my immediate comfort zone and examining who I am in order to redefine that in myself. 

I thought I had figured out a living situation for this fall, but it seems that my Plan A won't work, which means trying out Plan B.

I have 5 days to finish moving, and I'm not at all looking forward to it. Particularly the large boxes of books, it is a lot of effort to move those and a lot of stairs to get them down.

I think this week I'm going to begin looking for a full-time "real" job for this academic year. As long as it is a living wage and something that will stretch and bring me growth then I think that I will be happy at it. I'm going to various human rights organizations around town, maybe they need a college graduate for something?

I'm not sure how this next year will go, I feel like it will either be amazing or miserable. If I can find the kind of job I want, then I will be fed and grow and having an amazing year, if I'm stuck in retail or something like that I will try to make the best of it but don't have particularly high hopes that that will be a positive experience necessarily. 

I went to coffee with a friend from high school today, caught up a little bit. She wanted to know about Cambodia, which made me remember that I haven't really talked about it a lot recently, or even thought about it. I think to some extent I'm done processing it for the time being, but at the same time it is interesting to see how I react as I think about it again.

If I end up living with someone not NCC related, it will mean that I will make new friends and have new adventures. It will mean a more concerted effort to stay connected with the friends I've made over the last few years. It will mean new 'temptations' pulling me in directions I've never been pulled in. None of these are bad things, but simply ideas to be aware of. 

Maybe I'll try to redesign my blog a little.

Moving

I made a decision, I talked to my school and confirmed that I'm deferring a year. 

I've begun the process of living in a new home.

I'm tired way too early in the day.

It's been an odd past few days, mostly because all of them are a blur. Something about working outside in the sun, all day, everyday, doing mind-numbing activities has an effect of making the days pretty much impossible to distinguish. 

It's hard to wrap my mind around this huge shift in my life, I think that it will really sink in once everyone else starts going to school and I do not.

I talked to one of the co-regional ministers of Oregon and she offered to see if there wasn't a church that I might work in part-time over the next year. While I hadn't really intended to work in a church it might not hurt to get some more experience, in an area outside of youth work. 

The next year will be an adventure, to say the least.

All over the place

I feel as though time is speeding up. It seems like just yesterday that I was walking down the aisle at my college graduation, and yet here I am approaching two months later and it feels like it has flown by.

I still don't know what I'm doing, not really. I'm going to call the seminary tomorrow and chat with the admissions person, but somehow I have a hard time seeing any possible way to be financially responsible and still attend school this fall.

If I don't attend then I have to try to find a more permanent living situation, I have until October to find a more permanent job. I have to figure out if I can be a "student" on my parents' health insurance if I take one graduate level class. I have to figure out what to do recreationally for the next year, I can think of a few things but even so.

On the other hand, things that I assumed were given or at least real possibilities are beginning to fall away. I'm left wondering how I'm going to make it through the next year, no matter what. 

At the same time, my life right now has been an adventure. I rear-ended someone at an intersection a couple days ago. He started going and then slammed on his brakes for no reason, just as I looked away for half a second. It was unbelievable as we got out and chatted when he told me that his car was a rental and therefore he didn't really care about the damage.

In a few days I'm going to have to move from my townhouse to another house with some friends, but as it stands I have to be moving out by the last week of August or so. 

My driver side window has come off of its mechanism inside, and now it slips around wildly inside the door. 

I got a phone call the other day from our translator in Cambodia, he wanted to let me know that he talked to the kids at the orphanage and wanted to let me know that they missed us. I periodically think back to those three weeks, and wonder how they've changed me. I don't even know, I'm sure that it did but for the moment I can't nail down what changed. 

Choices

I am faced with a choice that could easily affect vast portions of my life in the near and far future. This is not a choice that I sought, or one that I am particularly looking forward to making.

It is perhaps easiest to start at the beginning and work my way to the present as it will make the the "why" of the decision more clear.

In February I applied to attend the Pacific School of Religion this fall, to begin work on my Master of Divinity degree. I applied well before the priority deadline, both for acceptance and for financial aid. Part of the application is a number of recommendation letters from current professors. I handed out all of the forms to various professors, sent off my transcript and began the waiting process. A number of my professors informed me that they had sent the letters and were eager to hear whether or not I had been accepted. Unfortunately I didn't know, I kept not hearing back from the school. Finally I called the admissions office to find out what was going on, and found that a particular professor had yet to fill out his recommendation and that it was keeping my file from being processed. I immediately confronted the professor to find out what was going on, to which I got a sheepish "I should get around to that, and other students' as well."

Fortunately I was able to find another professor to write the recommendation and fax it in that same day, so as to begin the process.

In the end I received word of my acceptance immediately before graduation, and just a couple days before my mission trip to Cambodia.

When I got back from Cambodia I had finally received my financial aid letter, which I promptly opened and began to take in. If I were to accept the full amount of aid listed it would more than double my current loan load, taking it from a reasonable and doable amount for clergy/ non-profit worker and putting it squarely in the realm of terrifying.

I spent the next two nights sleepless and stressed out, how could I possibly rationalize and reason my way to accepting these loans. Granted, I could reduce them a bit with a scholarship from the Disciples Seminary Foundation but only to simply doubling my current loan load. At one point the stress of it was such that I began tearing up simply because it was too overwhelming to deal with.

One of the struggles I had was that getting my acceptance late meant that I couldn't apply for outside scholarships. (Everything requires having actually been accepted.)

I began to ponder something that a friend of mine had talked about, someone who was in a very similar situation due to the same professor. He talked about deferring attendance to seminary one academic year (which is permissible) in order to reapply for financial aid before the priority deadline, as well as apply for various outside funding sources.

My first response when I thought of that was that there was no possible way for me to do that, going to seminary is what I've planned on and felt called to do for a couple years, why would I possibly change or delay that now?

I began to ponder it though, realizing that attending school with the loan load could easily lead to financial ruin down the road. Taking a year to recuperate from my experience at NCC might do me good. It would certainly give me the opportunity to explore areas within my field of interest, particularly outside the church, an area I've not explored extensively in the realm of human rights. I could save money and better prepare myself for PSR. I would be able to reapply for financial aid as well as apply for outside scholarships. It would give me a break from academia, which no matter what I tell myself I am beginning to be burnt out on.

It would mean changing my plans, everyone I've talked to knows what I am planning on doing this fall and where. I don't change plans of this magnitude often, if ever. To me it would feel like I was letting everyone, myself included, down in some way.

But on the other hand it is the financially responsible course of action, it will allow me to further narrow my field of interest. I could explore new areas of ministry, in the traditional church setting or otherwise. I could experience relatively true "independence," without the crutch that a small college can be.

I do not know what I am going to do, this is a huge decision that will be down the road a bit. There is not a huge hurry to make any choices right now, but I will have to make the choice, certainly within the coming few weeks.


I do not know what to do.

Looking ahead

A friend who is leaving soon asked me if I'd given any real thought to moving down to California. My first instinct was to say, "Of course I have, why wouldn't I have given it any thought?"

I began to think back though, and I haven't really given it any thought. I haven't even made an effort to get at the e-mails I need to print off and send back in to get my financial aid. Aside from a quick thought here about how to get stuff down to Berkley and how to get myself down there, I haven't spent any time at all processing the fact that in 2 and a half months my life will change dramatically. I will leave behind friends that I've made over the last four years, I will leave behind a state I have lived in for more than half my life. 

The past few days have been spent either sleeping, eating, zoning out watching TV and movies or drinking. They've mostly blurred together and I can't really distinguish between them. Looking back, I think I may have been subconsciously escaping the realities of my current and upcoming life situation. I feel that very shortly my temporary shelter I've built is going to come crashing down and the full extent of the changes in my life will shake the core of my being. 

I confided to another friend today that I'm terrified at the prospect of moving to California. I'm going to have to build up a base of friends from the ground up, something I haven't done since the seventh grade. I'm going to be in an entirely new living arrangement, with a new home and a new roommate for the first time ever. I'm going to be enrolled in classes that will challenge me and force me to think, something that hasn't been particularly consistent over the last four years. 

As much as I welcome a shift in my setting and going to a different ideological climate, this transition is not going to be easy. With my friends and God to lean on, I think that everything will go as smoothly as can be expected. 

It just doesn't make it any easier.

Ahh

So, today ended much better than it began.

Miserable day

So, I woke up this morning and felt like crap. (My fault, but that aside...)

Watched TV and then had lunch. 

I realized that I don't know how I am going to pay for anything next month, since I'm starting work a week later.

No one really responded to any text messages I sent out asking if people want to do anything, the only person who responded was in Washington.

All of this has placed me into a state of in which I find it virtually impossible to think about what I'm going to say tomorrow when I speak at my church.

I don't have the pictures that I was going to use during my talking.

I remember thinking at the orphanage about how I needed some Anthony time, I don't think I realized how much I'd come to be used to be surrounded by people though. There was a time when being alone all day wouldn't have phased me, now I'm finding it to be truly miserable. This is easily the worst day I've had since we got back, and I felt like venting about it.

Whoa

So, being back from Cambodia isn't exactly what I thought it would be. 

It's nice to be able to lay in bed and surf the internet, much like I'm doing now. It's incredible to have a bed that is comfortable and a cell phone that does more than sit in a pocket of my luggage, but it's still not what I imagined. Somehow I thought it would be more exciting to be back, but so far it's been er, not. 

Every time I eat the food explodes out of me. I can't get decent sleep for anything. I'd pictured myself spending tons of time with friends, but that hasn't really happened. I keep noticing little things about the way of life here that catch me off guard. 

I think part of me is still emotionally drained from the trip, which would account for some of the blah feeling, but even so it isn't fun. I thought that having an apartment all to myself would be the best thing in the world, but I got back to find out that my rent will be going up $50 next month and that being all alone in your home actually kind of sucks. 

The job that I was expecting to start on Monday isn't going to start until the following Monday, giving me a week of nothing to do while everyone is working. I still can't get into my NCC e-mail so I really have no idea what is going on with my seminary attending process. I find myself easily irritated and irrationally frustrated with small things that I really shouldn't give a second thought to. I keep getting hit with bouts of loneliness that I'm not expecting.

And yet despite all this not everything is bad. I have designs to hang out with people. I got a different car to replace the one that has been broken for a couple months. My electric bill was the lowest it has ever been. I think that I'm making positive progress with processing Cambodia. I was able to get my living room cleaned and and it is now livable. 

I don't know what to do, I suppose the only option is to give everything time to work out. Doesn't make it any easier knowing that though.

It's all over

A couple good friends have dubbed me a waffle, meaning that I compartmentalize my experiences and don't have everything flowing together. While this tends to make going through life a little more straightforward it also has a tendency to cause me to put things off for a while that I really should be processing. 

Two days ago I deleted my Uncle Harry's phone number from my cellphone.

Three days ago I graduated from college.

Today I leave for the other side of the world, on the way there we will pass through China where 12,000 people have been killed by an earthquake and when we arrive in Cambodia we will be within spitting distance of Burma, where 32,000 people have been killed.

In four months I move to another part of the country, and leave behind my best friends.

In three years I will have to go into the real world and stop being a student.

While for some people a new season is something to be celebrated without reservation, for me a new season is something to be entered into, but entered into fully knowing that I am leaving behind some very good times in my life. This morning I got watery eyed for only the second time since graduating. I suppose I can keep setting things off to the side, but I feel like eventually I'm going to have to come face to face with them. 

Whoa

So, in 33 minutes I have to be over at the MEC for graduation. 

My graduation. 

Somehow I wasn't sure this day would ever actually arrive. It seems like one of those days that is perpetually in the future and will never be in the present, and yet here I am. In 2 hours 32 minutes we will walk from the foyer into the main area and take our seats in front of our loved ones, friends, faculty, staff and administration. Sometime after that I'm going to speak, at my own college commencement, again something that I never imagined I would be doing. (well, that's not entirely true, I may have imagined it on occasion. It makes for better blogging to say that I never imagined it though)

Sometime after that we will walk across the stage and get our empty diploma holder and that will be that. 

I will be a college graduate.

Done

Well, that's it. I'm done. Completely done with college, except for commencement. It has begun to sink in, and yet is not sinking in at all. I'm surrounded by friends who are going "pure nostalgia" and I am barely beginning to feel sentimental. I think that it will sink in as we get farther into finals weeks, and I have nothing to do and other people are studying even harder that it may sink in.

I think that the stress that I've been under (this post) is finally beginning to manifest itself. I'm finding that my memory (mostly short-mid term) is beginning to get kind of unreliable. While I'm glad that it has waited this long to start, it does worry me a little. I haven't really forgotten anything important, but my chronology is getting all messed up. I was asked a little bit ago what I thought about our missions meeting last night, it took me a while to figure out what in the world last night was and then what meeting she was talking about. I don't really have any trouble remembering the meeting itself, but it is still a weird feeling to have no solid feel for the flow of time.

I think that maybe I've put up temporary walls again, so that I could make it through the last couple weeks? I think they are temporary because they are fairly specific to the moving after college, but it's just one more thing for me to keep in mind (if it will stay here ;-) ) as I move forward. 

The weather was unbelievable today though. Sometimes I forget just how much the sunlight truly brings me joy, and how down the forever overcast-edness of Eugene can get me down. It has been a good day.

An adventure

I've only 15 minutes, so this may be quick.

Yesterday was the Missions Team Parking Lot Sale for our trip to Cambodia, and also that other group that is going to Israel. The sale went from 8 in the morning until 1:30 in the afternoon. I received a text the night before asking me if I would mind showing up at 7 to help set up. My mind went through a few different reasons why getting there at 7 would not be a good idea, not the least of which was that a few friends and I had just sat down to eat tots and have a drink or two. After a little bit of internal struggle I came to the conclusion that my reasons were just excuses and that helping the team, and a friend, to get the parking lot sale going was more important. 

So I did, I woke up at 6:43 (two minutes before my alarm) yesterday and walked over to the sale. 

Later in the day, after the sale, is when the real adventure took place. I was out and about with a different friend looking for a place to get lunch when I got a text asking if I would be able to come back to the school to help clean up. This time (interestingly enough) I didn't have the same running through of potential excuses I just said yes. Unfortunately the Sixth Street Grill was overwhelmed with patrons and took FOREVER to get our food ready, which made me a little late getting back to help clean up. We moved boxes into vehicles, managed to wedge a heavy hide-a-bed into a staff person's Saturn. At this point I lead the way St. Vincent's to drop off the stuff that didn't sell at the sale, which was actually remarkably little. They won't take the hide-a-bed or a computer monitor. So we spend 20 minutes trying to hunt down a Salvation Army to donate the stuff. When we finally find the donation center they won't take either of them. Our team leader finds an electronics recycling place and pays $15 for the privilege of donating the monitor. 

After all of this, we decide that the only avenue left for this couch is the dump. As we are driving towards it (I know generally where it is, though I'd never been there) my thoughts wonder if they too will deny us. After navigating a maze of driveways and staring at different lines of cars, we finally decide on one that looks like it might be right. We pull up and find out that they don't take credit cards. Not only that, but that neither of us have checkbooks or any real amount of cash. We manage to scrounge up $7, which is the amount they charge senior citizens so that we can get a receipt and dump the couch. (Also, she called us seniors as we drove away) 

This is the real meat and potatoes of the story though, she tells us to just go throw it in the pit. What in the world does that even mean? I back the Saturn into the parking spaces next to other cars and walk over to take a peek at the "pit." It really is just a giant, football field sized hole, probably 20 feet deep to the surface of the garbage. There's a huge bulldozer thing smooshing all the filth down to make room for more. We kind of look at each other with "oh my goodness" looks on our faces before wrestling the couch (that took 5 or 6 people to load) out towards the pit. A nice man from the truck next to us hops out to help us through the couch down into the pit, where it joins the other refuse. 

I had hoped that there would be something vindicating about finally getting rid of the nasty, frustrating couch. There is something sad about the dump though, knowing that large amounts of what could be recycled or reused are cast aside. Knowing that we contributed to that monstrous pile of filth took away all (most anyways) of the pleasure of throwing that blasted couch into the hole. 

Afterwards my friend pointed out that this is another adventure to add to my list of questionable places gone for NCC, right up there with a sketchy bar. Oh the things that I've done and the places I've gone for Northwest Christian College. 

Disconnect

First, I apologize if this blog is unfair. However, I have told a good friend on multiple occasions that their blog should be their honest feelings on a given subject at a given time, and it is only right that my blog should follow the same guidelines.

I feel disconnected today, even ignored. 

This morning in Geography as I gave my presentation I was only half listened to. 

At an honors chapel today I received zero recognition, which is entirely appropriate since my GPA is not 3.5 or higher, and there are exemplary leaders who deserve recognition. I still noticed it though. 

In my world literature class my presentation was cut off party way through because of how little attention people were paying to it. 

In my staff meeting at my church people welcomed me to the meeting party way through, as if I hadn't been there from the beginning. (Which I had.)

Text messages to multiple people went unanswered.

At the late night breakfast I felt sloughed off to the side, an afterthought.

I do not know, maybe today is just not a good day. Maybe I am somehow particularly ignorable today. There is a very good chance that I am simply stressed out, tired and overly sensitive. And despite knowing that, I still feel alone. I am a fairly confident person generally, there are not a lot of ways that things make me feel small. Being left out is perhaps my Achilles Heel, even if unintentional I feel unwanted and it hurts.

Like I said, no doubt this blog is not fair and there are perfectly rational explanations for all the things that happened today, but right now, at this moment, when I am tired and probably grumpy, it hurts.

Whoa

A good friend of mine told that it has been too long since I blogged and that I ought to get something new up here. Given that it's 12:15 and I'm still wide awake I figure I may as well start writing and see what shows up. 

I just finished a 10 page paper about Job and a Powerpoint presentation for Geography. All that stands between me and and graduation is a 12 page paper for Geography (Based on my Powerpoint), a take home final for Job (I hope), a take home final for Origen, a Geography test, a short summary for Dennis Lindsay, a short paper for Beth Aydelott (maybe) and three days. 

I'm practically there and yet it feels unreal, surreal even. I mean, it doesn't seem like all that long ago I was trying to choose which college to go to. Before that I remember vividly looking forward to finally getting into high school. And now I am graduating from college. Four years ago I walked onto NCC's campus and began setting up my Dorm and 10 days from now I'm going to walk across the stage and no longer be a student at NCC. For that matter, NCC won't even exist anymore. 

(I want to point out that writing that last paragraph has made me kind of teary eyed)

In 11 days my peers and I will no longer be classmates but alumni-mates. (That may be a little bit of a stretch, but deal with it) I think that I can honestly look back at the last four years and say that they have been good. There have been times when I wondered what in the world I'd gotten myself into here at NCC, but you know, in the end it was those times that made it worth it. 

It was the times when I was forced to stand firm for what I believe in the face of a large group of my peers who disagreed with me. 

It was the times when the administration shot down some plan of mine and I had to learn to let things go. 

It was the times when my friends drove me nuts and I wanted nothing to do with them.  

It was the times that I was able to look back at who I was and who I was becoming.

It was these times that have made NCC so worthwhile and transformative for me.

But where to now?

My future is misty at best and completely unplanned otherwise. I pick up and leave for a country on the other side of the world in 10 days. When I get back I have a place to live but necessarily a way to pay for it. I have a job, but not necessarily a way to get there. I have plans for seminary, but technically could still be not admitted. 

What do I do if I get back and have no way to pay for my housing, can't get to my job and get a denial letter from PSR? Do I somehow try to find a place to live and ride my back the miles to work, but then at the end of the summer have the job end and do nothing? Do I cut my losses and move back in with my parents? What if I can pay for June rent but then can't find anyone to live in the other bedroom come July? Do I shell out $700 on my own? What if the person who moves in is a creeper? 

It is both terrifying and exhilarating to be where I am. I look forward to where I'm going but desperately hang on to where I've been. 

Do I hang back? 

Or do I risk it all?

A song

Every summer at church camp we sing this song. It has meant a lot to me over the years and I thought I might post it.

How could anyone ever tell you
You were anything less than beautiful
How could anyone ever tell you
You were less than whole
How could anyone fail to notice
That your loving is a miracle
How deeply you're connected to my soul.

Stress

During staff meeting at the church where I work the topic of stress came up, specifically those "stress tests" that give you "stress points" for various events in your life over the last year or two. As soon as I got home I jumped online and took one, as I was curious. In the past I've had fairly low stress levels, normally within the low area. The first one said that I was in serious danger of illness due to my stress. 

I wasn't sure what to make of it, so I took another one. 90% chance of illness due to stress. 

Oh my, a third one with similar results. 

Granted, all of them say that people deal with stress in different ways, and that they don't actually diagnose anything. Even so, it was startling to have laid out for me:

Change in financial state (38 points) As we approach the end of the school year my funds are having to stretch further and further, particularly as my summer housing is in the air.

Change in church Activities (19) I've been constantly in and out of church as various activities and events have happened.

Death of a close family member (63) My uncle

Revision of personal habits (24) For this I counted becoming an increasingly social person?

Change in work hours or conditions (20) Doing ASNCC and my internship increased my weekly workload dramatically

Trouble with boss (23) My boss at the church and I have been in a war of responsibility, in which we constantly are placing responsibility for this or that on each other. And shifting it as much as possible.

Vacation (12) Christmas (13) They happened

Begin or end school (26) Graduating

Change in schools (20) Seminary

Personal Injury or Illness (44) Strictly speaking I wasn't sick, but my doctor thought I might have Lupus. Which caused me no end of stress back in October.

Change in Health of a Family member (39) My mom was diagnosed with diabetes.

Total: 341. 

At 150 you start to get into health affecting levels of stress.

I don't think that this is affecting my physical health, yet; I do know that I'm beginning to feel the pressure of it though. I know how much this stress feels like, and I look at some of my friends, one friend in particular, who are going through more than I can even begin to wrap my mind around and I wonder how in the world they can cope. It's fine to talk about relying on God, and his peace. But it's entirely another thing to actually do it when life is falling apart around you. I do not know how that all will work out, I shall have to ponder it more.

Decisions

I was approached yesterday and offered an internship for this summer. (I didn't apply for or otherwise seek it out. Apparently a number of people recommended me.) It would start shortly after my return from Cambodia, and end just before I start at seminary. I would be work at the Yakama Christian Mission at the Yakama Indian Reservation, both with children and with various mission groups that come to work at the reservation.

It would seem to be one of the most incredible opportunities. I think it's something like $2,500 for the summer and also includes room and board. I'd be able to work on something within or closely related to what has become my passion, and get paid for it. I'd be working with some of the most justice-minded people that I've ever met in my life, and also make some valuable contacts for the future.

At the same time, it couldn't have come at a worse time at least in a sense. This summer has the potential to be one of the most amazing summer of my life thus far, here in Eugene. I would be surrounded by incredible friends who are all motivated to hang out. We have plans for picnics, camping, baseball games, barbecues, parties, floating rivers and more than I can even begin to list. This is quite possibly my last full summer to spend with many of these people, I'll be moving to California this fall and next summer many of them will be moving on in their lives. 

What in the world am I supposed to do? How can I possibly choose between and internship opportunity, and what could be my last opportunity to spend an extended amount of time with these friends that have so impacted my life? I think about which seems to fit my potential vocation better, and while the social justice of the mission fits very well, so does the ever important development of an incredible support network of my best friends. It's not to say that my friends won't be my friends no matter what I choose, it's to say that the bonding that can happen this summer could help make some of the strongest friendships of my life become even stronger.

I wish that I could somehow choose both, but I don't think that's possible. How in the world can I even begin to contemplate making this decision?

Meh

My head hurts, I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired, I feel disconnected and I have to wake up in the morning. 

I feel like I'm in one of those commercials where the whole world is zooming by and I'm standing there staring at the camera.

Commitments that were made have fallen away and added stress to me.

I have obligations that I know I need to meet, but have no idea how I can possibly meet them.

Right now is meh, tomorrow may be meh, beyond that maybe it will get sunny?

Brutality

Why is that we are all so brutal to each other? In a small group I attend we've been talking about how we tend to enjoy being right more than loving. While this is certainly not universally true in every situation, it seems to be true far too much of the time. I know that I've been guilty of being right at the cost of being loving. 

For some reason when we feel maligned or our friends are maligned, we immediately feel the need to lash out at the person (or persons) wronging us. Oftentimes this is a brutal attack on the very core of a person's being, a decidedly non-loving course of action. How can we respond constructively in the face of extreme adversity? We could get angry, I know I have and I've no doubt I will again. We could withdraw into ourselves, while we aren't being violent to other people, we are depriving the people who love of us of our presence and love. 

I think that the answer, as unsatisfying and painful as it is, is to love those who denigrate us. This means that we are going to get hurt, it is likely that the people we are trying so desperately to love are going to cause us more pain. This means that we aren't going to get the satisfaction we so often get by returning the hurt. This means that we are going to need to turn somewhere else, to God to find peace. This means that we are going to are going to respond in the loving way that we have been called to. We aren't going to be perfect, ever. We are going to get angry. We are going to act in unloving ways, because no matter how hard we try we can't love universally. But we try, we lean on God to help us love as God loves, and when it works it is a beautiful thing.

Big picture

During our Missions meeting today we talked about theodicy. In all fairness it makes sense to talk about, particularly when we rich Americans are headed to a suffering and poor country like Cambodia, or Israel.

One of the leaders put me on the spot and asked my opinion about the idea of evil existing in a world with a good God. I gave two answers, one about free will (which is the one I hold to, mostly) the other was about God's inability to act. (Kind of) I gave the second answer (which actually went first) mostly because I didn't appreciate being put on the spot and wanted to list off something that would make PS uncomfortable. 

There were a couple ideas that I had while people were sharing that I thought would make excellent blog conversations, so I text messaged them back to myself so as to avoid forgetting them. Sure enough I completely spaced them until I checked my e-mail and saw them.

The first idea was how we as humans can't see the Big Picture (which I agree with, there's no way any single person can see how everything affects everything else in the world) but that God can and therefore what God does God does to fit everything into the Big Picture. While that sounds great at first glance, and is even comforting to those of us here in the United States, imagine how it would feel to a person who is suffering horribly. Imagine what it would be like to be told that your children are being prostituted and you are dying of starvation because "it all fits into God's Big Picture." Imagine that that same person is being told that by a relatively rich, healthy, white American. The idea that somehow the Big Picture supersedes the immediate, basic needs of the individual is ludicrous, at least in my opinion. No 12 year-old child should be forced to sell their virginity for $150. No parent should be forced to see their children starve when they are too weak to care for them. (This isn't to say that God can't do what God does, and somehow bring Good out of the most evil of situations, it is to say that this level of suffering cannot be a part of the plan of a Good God.) All of this is most certainly food for thought as we begin to draw close to our trip to Cambodia.

The word for today is love. I realize that it was the word yesterday, but I feel like love can never be stressed too much.

Ramblings...

I almost didn't blog tonight, but every time I went away from the page I felt drawn back to it.

I've been thinking a fair bit about seminary, and right now I'm a little terrified. Partly because I only in the past few days completed my application process (thanks in part to a rather slow professor) but also because I've managed to procrastinate my way into having all my eggs in one basket. Strictly speaking it's not too late to apply to schools, so I have options, but as of right now my only truly completed application is to PSR.

Also, my friends here are incredible. And going to a new place means new friends, which means meeting and getting to know new people. While on the one hand that might not seem so scary, on the other hand I am actually a bit shy around people I don't know. (At least I used to be, it's been a while since I've been in a situation like that.) It means letting go of everything that has made me comfortable and setting forth into a new chapter (to quote a good friend of mine) of my life. 

Also this talk of agape has gotten me thinking. We talked about it in small group, then a couple friends recommended that I read The Shack. An incredibly powerful, amazing book that in many ways epitomizes our conversation of unconditional universal love. As I read it, memories of the man who tried to hit on and pick up my then 10 year old sister rose in my mind. The blind fury I felt when he (the 50 year old man) began blatantly flirting with my sister and her friend. In the end nothing came of it, I went to the intercom with the driver of the train and had him announce that it wasn't okay to pester other passengers, particularly young women. 

I was prepared to act if even began to reach toward my sister, I pictured myself smacking him in the head with my umbrella actually.

All of this is to say that I am called to love that man, who makes me sick to my stomach. In fact, we are all called to love even the people responsible for genocide. We are called to love even our federal administration. (Whom I generally despise) We are called to love the men who exploit and sexually abuse children in Cambodia and around the world. As I was reading The Shack it seemed to all make sense, and yet now I find myself wondering how it will ever work out that I can even begin to love unconditionally even the people who I find it easy to love. 

Something that I don't have a particularly hard time swallowing though, is that God (or Papa) especially loves each of us. Which He does. Or She. Or Whatever. 

My word for today is Love.

Changes

I was at a birthday dinner with a bunch of earlier this evening and something became very clear. I've changed. I am in no way the same person I was even last semester, really, although I am. Many of my less than good habits have fallen to the wayside, I'm far more sensitive and social than I was. I hear stories of who I was then, I even tell stories of who I was then, and I can't imagine doing them now.

And yet, I feel like most/all of the changes have been for the better. I'm actually a much better person now than I was then, and I really don't think I was really a bad person then either. It's crazy to think how much we/God/our friends can influence us for the better. (or in some cases for the worse.)

I'm excited and terrified of where God is taking me next, I finally got the ball rolling again for my seminary app. I go to Cambodia in a few weeks. And I'm finding myself virtually redesigning the rest of my life. For almost four years I knew that I was going to be a senior pastor at some church and hopefully dally in social justice. Now I'm finding myself thinking about focusing entirely on social justice, and do ministry either outside the church entirely or in a more para-church setting. 

Also, my word of the Day is Agapē.

Roller Coaster

I feel like lately my life has been an emotional roller coaster of highs and lows. I'm surrounded by some of the most amazing people ever, and I've had more fun this semester I think than I've had in a long time. At the same time The past few days have been sprinkled with some of the deepest lows I've experienced in a long time too.

I've found though that in my times of need, that I have wonderful, incredible friends (two friends in particular have been especially helpful for me) that have kept me afloat when I needed support and given me space when I needed space.

The service for my uncle has been set for Tuesday, and I think that I'll have to drive up to Portland on Monday. There's a Wake at point between now and then, and I'm afraid that I actually don't know what that entails, of even if I should be present for it.

I was glancing at my last few blogs and realized that they seem to be fairly me centered, which is a little different. I think that it's not a bad thing though.

On a happier note, my Cambodia fund seems to be coming along slowly but surely. I'm a little nervous because most of my primary givers have given and I'm still down $800. But there are more yet, and God has a way of pulling through. It will be good. I've no doubt of that.

Hope

During worship this morning my Dad brought up the point that he hasn't always had the opportunity to say goodbye to loved ones and that the chance he had to go up to Washington and tell Uncle Harry goodbye (his uncle, my Great Uncle) and that he loved him really is a gift. Viewed in this light the opportunity I had to say goodbye was a real gift, and one that I may not always get. That brings me hope and makes me ponder something.

It seems fairly cliche, and it is, however that bit about how we don't know what's coming around the corner. It reminds me of the importance of treating each moment as though we weren't sure there was going to be another one, and perhaps even not waiting so long for decisions given that view. I don't know if it will actually change anything for me, at least right now, but I will certainly have to keep wrestling with that idea.

Goodbyes

I just said goodbye to my Uncle Harry for what is in all likelihood the last time and it hurts.

Seeing

I wasn't sure what to expect when I walked into the room where my Uncle Harry was lying in bed. I had no idea how I would react, and even less idea what effect it would have on me afterwards. I was shocked by how thin he is, he doesn't eat anymore and thus is slowly wasting away. At first I was a little apprehensive, I mean, this is my Uncle lying there. 

Something my Aunt said is an idea I've heard before (that while she might have preferred that they both get taken in some kind of car accident, but that it's in the no knowing that makes life valuable. Something like that anyways.) but I've never really been able to really understand. Without death, life (as we know it) would be nothing. And that in our deaths (and new lives) that our life here on earth gains meaning. 

The atmosphere here is different than I might have expected. Most everyone is laughing and talking and eating. Periodically my aunt gets a little teared up, but mostly people are in good spirits. I imagine that in large part it is because my uncle has lived such a full and good life? Maybe this is the way everyone behaves at this sort of gathering? 

There's a baby monitor sitting on the countertop listening in to my uncle's breathing. It makes sense I suppose, though it seems weird. I don't know, this whole experience is kind of out there.

Where my school knowledge hits the pavement

A couple years ago I took a class entirely on the subject of Grief and Loss. During my internship I observed the funeral preparation process of a member of the congregation. I've read books on how people react to grief. I know the signs to look for, and how to listen and be present without stepping on toes. 

And yet today I thought I was somehow managing to avoid all those things, I thought somehow my head knowledge made me immune to all that.

I realized this evening during night chapel (which every time I go I tell myself I should go more, and yet I rarely do) that today I've been avoiding thinking about my uncle. Normally I'm pretty okay with just being, and not worrying about doing things. Today though, I felt agitated whenever I was sitting around by myself. I constantly felt the need to be doing something, even to the point of just not being in my apartment. 

But even having recognized that, I found my mind constantly moving to other subjects as I tried to think about it. My mind would begin to wrap itself around the idea of a world without my Uncle, my eyes would start to tear up and then I would instantly find myself thinking about something else. 

I had another thought that I wanted to put down here, but I can't for the life of me remember what is was.

Dying...

My Uncle Harry is dying. (Strictly speaking he's my dad's uncle, but he's been like an uncle/ grandparent to me) He's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I have vague memories of when I was 3 or 4 and I ran around my aunt and uncle's house and avoided the heater vents because I thought I'd fall in.

I remember calling him my Luncle. I remember him encouraging me when I decided which college to go to. I remember him praising me when I graduated with honors from high school.

I remember his dry, sometimes questionably appropriate sense of humor. I remember his being vehemently against my dad's brother's homosexuality, but loving him anyways. I remember him dubbing my little sister, gurt. I remember him rooting for the Grinch all the way until he gave in and grew a heart. Rooting for Scrooge up until he caved too.

It's weird, I've taken classes on grief and loss. I know the various stages of grief, I even know that it's supposed to be easier when you know ahead of time. It doesn't make any difference to know these things.

My Uncle Harry has been fighting cancer for a couple years now, but his chemo keeps not working. His heart is weak (in the physical sense, not the metaphorical one) and he can't handle more rigorous experimental treatments. The doctors are giving him between 24 hours and a week. 

I've never had any of my close relatives die, I've never even had anyone that I knew particularly well die. And now my Uncle, who has been such a part of my life since we moved back to the West Coast, is dying. 

I've been to funerals before, but now I'll be going to one of someone that I really know.

My family has all driven up to be with my Aunt Janet. Given that my Uncle isn't awake, and that the window is so big, and that I have so much going on I don't think I can make it up there until the funeral. 

It feels weird to plan on attending the funeral of someone who is still alive. 

While what happens after we die isn't something that I put a whole lot of worry into, he is a good Catholic which I know brings him and my aunt comfort. 

I keep going back and forth between getting teary-eyed and not teary-eyed. It doesn't feel real to me, I don't know if it's sunk in yet. 

...

I just cried like I haven't in years. 

Caffeine

So, it used to be that I could drink caffeine at any time of day and avoid any real effect whatsoever. Apparently that is no longer the case, as I had a 12 ounce white mocha a bit more than an hour ago and its keeping me awake. Being awake though, means that I can stay up and read a friend's blog that I imagine is going to be powerful and also write my own.

I've begun today to get a feeling in the pit of my stomach, I think of it almost as a pre-stress. I learned years ago not to let myself get overly worked up about what is coming up in the future. (My sophomore year of high school I made myself sick with stress, because of that I've learned not to worry too much.) And yet, periodically I get the little tingling inside that means that I know I've got a lot of ducks coming up and they aren't quite in a row yet.

I think I've gotten all the pieces of my seminary apps taken care of, I have a little more stuff to do for my ordination requirements. 

I think I've managed to work out my summer housing so that I won't go broke. 

I think I've my last event as VP of Activities taken care of.

I know that I'm not ready to say goodbye to all the amazing people here at school.

I know that I'm terrified and overjoyed at the thought of a new chapter in my life.

I wonder if I'll have the motivation and energy to write a Baccalaureate speech.

I believe that everything will work out.

And yet, I worry about how everything will turn out. There's something about stepping off into the unknown, particularly on this scale, that makes it hard for me to just what happens happen. I feel like I'm floating down a river that is perpetually curving, always hiding what is in front of me. I trust that all that is around the bend is more gentle curves and smooth water. I figure that there are probably some spots of white water, but I can't seem to shake the fear that there might be something more. Something else, something unexpected.

What is this?

On the way home from Mexico all I could think about was how amazing it would be to finally be back in my apartment with all of my gadgets and gizmos. I couldn't wait to return to 'civilization.' Now that I'm here though, I find myself at a loss. 

Having gone a week without television I tried watching something or other and found my thoughts wandering. After checking my e-mail for a minute, my computer bored me. (I realize that I'm blogging on it, but that's different.)

I'm finding myself missing Mexico, and the lack of distractions. Everything was simpler down there, I didn't have to to worry about Seminary App follow-ups. I didn't have papers to write, or e-mails to check. My biggest concern was getting the house done and deciding if dinner was edible or not. (Which it always was.)

I find myself not wanting to go back to the hustle and bustle of everything that I have to do in the next month before graduation. I'm actually nervous about going back to school tomorrow. (Which might be at least partially connected to my relative lack of hair) 

It feels like every year when I get back from this trip I question our way of life. Last year it was our obsession with the latest and greatest. (Which my friend's were quick to to point out that I am guilty of it as much if not more than the next person.) This year it feels different though, it's not about the material pieces of my life, but the very core of it; what makes me tick. It's not a lack of sabbath, (which I take fairly regularly), but the very speed at which I live my life.

On another note, now that I've shed a few tears in the last few weeks it seems the floodgates have opened. During the sharing time at the end of the work in Mexico people were sharing about what the experience meant to them and I found tears flowing freely.

One youth talked about how when her parents divorced she decided to divorce religion. She came on the trip just because her friends had and thought it might be fun to hang out, but during the sharing she told us that this week had renewed her faith in God.

And I shed tears

A dad talked about how much this week had meant to him, to share it with his daughter.

And I shed tears

Another youth brought up the quote by Mother Teresa about how 'what we do is but a drop in the ocean, but without it the ocean would be one drop less.'

And with both joy and pain, I wept silently in the back of the group

I don't get it, why now? Why are my walls tumbling down around me? There was a time when I couldn't cry at anything, no matter how painful. And now, now I get emotional about the little things. I don't get it...

Spring Break...

I have to say, this spring break has been one of the best and most eye opening of my life. It started off fairly discouraging, I got into a 15-Passenger Van and drove/rode all the way down first to Redding, then Bakersfield then Mexico.

There's something about being in a car for 20 hours that is just miserable, particularly when you are surrounded by horny, drama ridden teenagers. We finally make it all the way down there set up our tents and begin to reacquaint ourselves with the orphans.

I've been to Mexico before, and seen the poverty and the people however something about the recent changes in my life made it seem as though I was seeing everything for the first time. As I rode along, the reactions and chatting of the people around me made me feel like I was on a safari. I actually started to get sick to my stomach as the other individuals in the vehicle started snapping photographs of the surrounding countryside and making comments like "how cute" or "gross, look at that mess."

On Sunday we finally got the semi trailer unloaded and the materials distributed to the work sites. Because it was easter we'd gotten a late start and decided it best to actually start construction in the morning.

Monday we wake up early and drive to the worksite (my site was about 25 minutes away) We were immediately beset with problems. The foundation wouldn't get square, the person cutting the lumber for the first wall kept being off by an inch or two. Things were not going well at all. At the end of the day we were well behind the other two houses and feeling discouraged.

Tuesday we started even earlier, hoping to catch up but things started going downhill even more. One of the leaders on the site was feeling nauseous and went back to the camp part way through the morning. We continued to have alignment issues with walls and roof trusses. Right after lunch I started feeling ill, it was weird because it didn't feel like heat sickness. (It was 96 and sunny) I sat around most of the afternoon, got sick a couple times and didn't start feeling better until it was time to leave.

Wednesday is our last day of construction, we had to be done by 4, and there was no way we were going to meet that deadline on our own. (A couple more people have fallen sick at this point) A number of people from the other two sites showed up and worked with us, eventually bailing us out of the trouble.

At this point in the week I was feeling very discouraged, down and just generally not happy about the whole experience.

Then came the house dedications and the handing over of the keys. Something happens when you hand over the keys to a families first house that makes all the stress fall away. Something about the way the leaders offer prayer, and the families start crying. I even started crying when the family that I'd worked alongside opened the door to their new home and went inside for the first time.

Every year the dedications get more emotional for me, and every year I think they can't get even better, but they do. All of the unhappiness and stress of the week melted away and I remembered why we do what we do. Somehow God reaches into the whole mess and makes everything right. Even when we think that everything has gone with a project, at the end it is still a quality new home for a family. It is a place that they can call home that isn't made of cardboard walls.

It renewed in me my drive to work to right the wrongs in the world, to work for bringing God's kingdom and to bring God's justice on earth. There is nothing like it, the Joy of God.

There will be more as I unpack the experience, but for now that is all.

It's gone.

That pretty much sums it up... My luscious locks are locks no more. They are however, still luscious. My good hair cutting friend did an amazing job, someday I'll post a picture. When I figure out how.

My luscious locks

So, within the next few hours my hair that I've been growing for a year and a half or so will be gone. Shortened. I don't know about that, my hair has been a part of me for so long. (ha, long) 

I imagine it will be out of this world to not have my hair blowing in the wind anymore, getting frizzy when it rains. 

It means that I'm that much closer to going to Mexico, and that much closer to Cambodia. 

It means that I won't get called a lady anymore by people in stores. (Blech, Starbucks)

It means that I won't be quite so memorable to waitresses at North Bank.

I  think that it's good, but it still terrifies me.

Genocide

The Mission Team that I'm a part of watched The Killing Fields this afternoon. Remarkably powerful and thought provoking. There was one scene that caught me particularly off-guard though, especially mine and others' response. It was the scene when Dith Pran is just escaping from the Khmer, and he's walking through a bog. He stumbles and falls, finding himself surrounded by hundreds of skeletal corpses. 

My first reaction was, nothing, at all. Another member said, "gross." My reaction quickly turned to sickness, both at what I was seeing and at our responses. More than hundreds, if not thousands, of corpses those were people. People who had families and lives and really aren't all the different from you or me. 

And I barely gave it a second thought. 

Are we so desensitized by the media that we no longer feel when faced with atrocities? Are we so used to the horrible things that go on in the world that we no longer react?

I got to wondering how many people were killed in the Cambodia genocide. Estimates range from 1,700,000 to 2,300,000 men, women and children. 

Right now there is another genocide going on, in Darfur. The local government claims 9,000 people have been killed, the UN claims 200,000 people. Other human rights organizations have pegged the number at closer to 400,000.

Violent deaths in the Iraq War have been estimated at between 600,000 and 1,100,000 people.

It saddens and sickens me...

Peace Parades

Well, I had an interesting experience today as I drove home from church. I was sitting at the corner of Hilyard and 11th, waiting for the light to turn green so I could cross and pull into my parking lot when two police on motorcycles pulled in front of me. I was confused at first, but then as I looked east I saw a giant line of people walking down 11th.

It was a group of hundreds of people protesting the war in Iraq, with signs and everything. Normally I would have been all for it, no questions asked, but I had to pee very, very badly.

About 10 minutes later it finished, but during that time I made a few observations.

1) The guy in front of me was a jerk, he was flipping all the people the bird. The protestors responded with their own hand gesture, but one that involved two fingers and a lot more peace and love.

2) Most other people seemed to be patiently waiting it out, which surprised me. I think that shows a certain receptive-ness to the idea of peace.

3) It gladdens my heart that people care enough about not killing people that they will walk around for hours with giant doves on their shoulders.

I also had a kind of neat experience at church today. I sent out the support letters for Cambodia last week to all the church people. This morning I was affirmed by 15-20 people that received my letter, and most all of them let me know that they had sent a check in. One guy even said that he wanted to send in more general funds to help everyone going on the trip, I need to talk to Elizabeth and find out how he can do that. 

It feels like God is working.

I had an even further revelation Saturday night. My boss was freaking out because a number of pieces weren't falling into place for the trip to Mexico on Thursday. Without thinking I reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, which turned into a hug. While that might seem like a small thing, touch is something that I've struggled with for a long time. I've been uncomfortable with it, sometimes to the point of awkwardness. 

I've been trying to overcome that particular obstacle for a few months now, it appears that I'm getting there. A year ago I can't imagine voluntarily hugging anyone, and here I am doing that now. 

God is good.

Senioritis

I've got a paper that's due at 9:30 in a class that I don't care about. I haven't started it, and I don't know when I will. I feel no motivation to actually do anything for that class. Also it's Geography, all that we do is watch a 20 minute video (in the 90 minute class) and then leave. 

Blech.

Also, I don't know about mornings. It's only 9 and I've been awake far too long.

Tears...

I was reading the blog of a friend, who was describing a situation on campus a while ago that arose around a party. While I was reading it I started to get the achy feeling in my chest, my eyes began to moisten. Before I knew what was happening I was reading the blog through tears falling down my cheeks. 

I've been trying to unpack why that happened, it is not as if students getting drunk is a new idea to me. I think a big part of it is that I'm beginning to allow myself to admit to the feelings I have, and embrace them instead of simply burying them. 

Also, I'm beginning to lower my emotional defenses. I don't know why, but for some reason the walls that I've built up are coming down around me. Where I used to respond with no feeling, or inappropriate feeling I feel real ache. When I think about the way the students are behaving, it occurs to me that that's who I was not all that long ago. And I hear the stories of what they're going through and wish that there was another way for them. That they might not have to experience some of the same pain I did.

That maybe explains a little bit of why that post affected me, it doesn't really explain why I'm getting more emotional lately. I don't know. I don't know where it's going and how I'll get there. I suppose I curious to find out though.

Talk...

I struggled a lot with what to blog about tonight. A friend of mine pointed out that I've been lagging a bit, and I agreed so I felt that tonight would be a good night to post.

It's been on my heart (I thoroughly dislike that phrase, but it's appropriate I think) lately that too much of what people do is talk about God and God's people. I sit in my class on Job (amazing class by the way) and we talk about suffering in the world, both abstractly and in concrete stories. And yet I fear that that is where we stop, I hear very intelligent people come up with very smart ideas and they write them down and people in other parts of the world and people in our own part of the world die and suffer.

A friend of mine has told me that in order to be a good pastor you must first be a theologian, otherwise "what you talk and preach about is bullshit." (His words, not mine) I think that before that though, you need to love people and act on it. We aren't called to sit around and talk about ideas, we are called to put an end to suffering for all of God's children.

Right now women in Bolivia are prostituting themselves because they think it's the only way to survive. Children in Cambodia are selling their virginity at the age of 12 for $150. People of all ages are being systematically exterminated in Darfur. Thousands of people are dying in Africa of AIDs. Hundreds of teens in the US are committing suicide because they think no one cares about them. A handful of students at Northwest Christian College are getting dangerously drunk because they think it's the cool thing to do.

In classrooms people are arguing about whether Jesus said "I am the Light of the world" or "You are the Light of the world." Students can't decide if they like systematic or process theology. They are stressing out about how what order the events fall in the Old Testament so that they can pass the test that's coming up.

I find myself getting caught up in the chatter, in the discussions. I'm not saying that it's all bad, without discussion in community we can come up with really funky ideas. Still, I find myself torn between a call to engage my mind and grow intellectually, and to go out and try to increase the quality of life for God's children. What do we do? 

Emotional???

So, in the past week or so I've found myself being affected by "emotional" things a lot more than normal. I think it started when I read the bit about the child trafficking in Cambodia, though it may have begun before then. 

I was just listening to the sermon at First Christian on Sunday and I found myself fighting the urge to tear up as he talked about the conflict in Jerusalem. On Sunday at the Cambodia meeting we were talking about how we were beginning to "gel" as a group, and that started to get me a little watery eyed. 

I don't know about all this, I've prided myself on my ability to be fairly level-headed and yet I find myself falling apart. I sit at home trying to read for some class, I begin thinking about whatever and I start getting emotional.

Am I just getting stressed out, without knowing it? Is school affecting me that much? Is it something else? 

It is different though.

Blech

I'm afraid that I don't like the turn that the Democratic Primary is taking. Instead of focusing on positive aspects of themselves, they are beginning to tear down each other. It actually makes me sick that this is what politics has become, simply who is less horrible. 

It seems to me that ideally politics should be about who is the best candidate, not who is the "least worst." Does that makes sense?

I don't think it's unreasonable. 

Also, I don't like how Clinton is the one who instigated these attacks, how she is trying to making Obama look bad.

Obama is quite possibly the most intelligent politician I've ever listened to, Clinton lies and tries to twist reality for her own gain.

She needs to just drop out now, and stop splitting the party.

So, this morning my Geography class ended after 15 minutes of watching a movie. (More on that later...)

When I got home I decided to Google Cambodia and see what popped up, as I'll be heading there in just a couple months. One of the first articles to show up was http://japanfocus.org/products/details/2687. Stories like these tear me up on the inside, that this kind of pain goes on in the world. It tears me up even more to think that I'll be heading there in just a couple months, be in the same City where this "riverfront" area is, and yet I won't be able to do anything to fix the situation. I won't be able to ease the pain of these children who are being exploited in the some of the most horrible ways possible. 

I actually got teary eyed as I read it, which isn't something I do terribly often.

It hurts my heart.

Today was a good day

Today was a very good day. I skipped a very boring class and instead went with a friend to pick up some baby chickens to deliver to another friend; which was amazing.

I was worried that my spiritual direction session was going to go badly and instead turned out to be amazing, as it was a celebration of all the good things God has done recently.

I am privileged to be a part of a discussion group that tonight had one of our best discussions yet, we set the stage for next week which may top even this week.

It was Sunny today, not an altogether common occurrence for this place at this time.

Today was a very good day.

An old sermon...

So in our mission trip meeting today we talked about the effects (positive and negative) of short term mission trips. I did a sermon last year on just this subject, I'd post it here but I can't figure out how to make text "paste."

Here's the link though.

New living room arrangement

So, after two years my roommate finally decided that it was time to change from our "temporary" layout that we created when we first moved in. We shifted the orientation of the whole room 90 degrees clockwise, which has done a couple things.

1) It's made the room feel more like a niche, as the living room is it's own area instead of centering on the main flow of "traffic" from the front door to the back of the apartment.

2) It's made the room feel a lot bigger, from the couch you can see into the kitchen a bit, which opens up the area.

It makes me curious how many other areas I go into every day that could be made more comfortable simply by reorganizing.

I will mention that there is an incredible amount of stuff that builds up under a couch when it's sat there for a while. Also, that trying to move all of the cables for the sound system and television is a pain and makes you back hurt.

Oh another note entirely, I'm going to the main meeting for my Mexico mission trip in a couple hours. I can't believe that I'm going to Mexico for Spring Break, Yakama for Memorial Day and Cambodia after graduation. I wasn't really planning on doing most of these things, in fact at the beginning of the school year I had in mind to not do a mission trip this year. 

And yet there is a sense of "rightness" about these trips, as though going really is what I should be doing. 

I'm excited.

Sunshine

I've come to realize that I am a creature of the sun. When the sun breaks through the clouds (not an altogether common occurrence here) my mood is lifted and I enjoy being social and going out doing stuff. When it is dreary though, and overcast and blah, I find myself spending more time inside. Not just inside walls, but being more internalized and less "out there." 

I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, but just a discovery that I've made in recent months.

Speaking of self-discovery, I've been perusing my old blog posts from back in the day. I spoke on the phone with an old friend from High School who I hadn't spoken to since we graduated, he observed that even over the phone I seemed less keyed up and more laid back than when he knew me in High School. At the time I just sort of shrugged it off, however having read my blog from back then I'm beginning to think he may have a point. 

In many ways I'm not at all the person I was then, it wasn't a change I sought (though in retrospect I would have) but it's still a change that happened. It's almost enough to make me wish I'd been more consistent at blogging over the past few years, so I could get a more full view of my personality changes as they happened.

Interestingly enough, according to Meyer's(sp?)-Briggs I'm still ENFP, which is what I was in high school. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Does it even count as a cold anymore?

I don't know what this 'cold' is, it started as a sore throat moved to coughing and aching all over, to just being miserable and now I'm back to a sore throat. Swallowing anything feels like molten er, liquid is going down to my stomach and every cough feels like I have barbed-wire in there. 

Maybe this isn't good? I should go to the doctor?

I would except that 1) I abhor the Doctor 2) I don't wan to pay the $100 dollars (since my family hasn't hit the annual deductible for 2008) and 3) I don't think I've found a decent doctor in Eugene yet.

Which leaves me in the place of having a sore throat and nothing to do about it. 

On the upside I saw an amazing production of A Midsummer Night's Dream last night in Ashland. 

Late night musings... (Also, I have a cold that won't go away)

So I've been debating lately what I'm going to do after graduation. I realize that is cliche for someone in my position, however I still have mixed feelings. Not so much because I don't know what I'm going to do right after, I have every intention of going to seminary, but after that is when I begin to get a bit a cloudy. 

When I first decided to attend NCC I did so for a couple reasons. I had decided that civil engineering wasn't for me, also I felt like Pastoral Ministry was for me. 

I've come to a point in my life where Pastoral Ministry (as it is traditionally described) isn't exactly what I would term a perfect fit for me. In recent years I've come to realize that I don't have the patience to work in a setting that is as theoretical and (in my opinion) moot as a church in the United States. I've come to realize that in my heart I feel as though there are other places and walks of life where I can accomplish far more for God than I could possibly accomplish as a senior pastor.

I'm not sure what this looks like, does this mean I can't work in a church as a senior pastor? Hardly, I actually do enjoy delivering sermons and many of the other pieces that go along with it. Does it mean that I do work in the non-profit sector, working for human rights there? Perhaps. Does it mean that I focus on human rights abroad? Potentially.

Right now I'm in such a place of flux in my life, what I decide to do now can easily forever change how I live out the rest of my life. (God is in there somewhere too...) Perhaps I should wait until after I get back from the Cambodia trip... Almost assuredly I should wait until I get a ways into seminary. 

Wherever I end up going, whatever I end up doing, I know that I can work for the good.

It's just the getting there that's scary.

First true Blogger Blog

Quick note, I apologize for the language of my earliest blogs. They are "imported" from my high school days, and thus I was a different person back then. I thought about censoring them, however I feel that they are a relatively accurate representation of who I was then.